brain drain

i am scared of getting my brain drained..but i guess it's not too far from happening if i continue doing the same things day in day out. I cannot remember the last time i put a book in my bag, intending to read it during any free time i can get-- i.e. mrt ride / lunch break ..

I miss my books..all those classic novels as well as the modern-themed ones. I also miss my pocket dictionary. My bag has been free of good books for such a long time already. I don't want this to be the start of "brain drain" for me.

I also keep visiting friendster all the time i am online in stead of researching about stuff that really interests me such as green architecture and updates for the world bank events.....sigh this is so not me.

Got to grab a book again and start exercisin this brain of mine.. I can't be preocupied this much i can't even do those things i used to love so much.

STRUGGLE

im struggling.. iwas thinking a few hours ago about what topic t write about. i wanted to write about some funny stuff or something that will reflect how happy i am in my new job........but guess what something more serious is inside my head..i am struggling

a couple of months ago i was my "best self" everythin is under control. i was waking up early, geting at work 30 minutes earlier, doin overtyms, bringing home some manuals to study, prayin before sleeping, gettin 7hours sleep, waking up early..prayin before leavin..and again arriving early in my office. ..until i got very comfortable...

no more threats of arriving at the end of the month without salary, no more worries of learning the new stuff at work as they have transfered me to the structural team. I was back with autocad which i am very familiar with, and i was doin a job i know i can handle very well...then my boss decided to confirm my employment only a month after my commencement and give me salary increase..this is when i got very comfortable. i was sure i was reapin what i have sown so i let my guard down and start wakin up a lil later than usual..then i was arrivin at work just on time..then after a few days i was arrivin just a lil after nine..then 15 minutes after nine... and i am already finding it hard to wake up at 6sharp and arrive early n the office. i also realized i am not that organized anymore. i scared that i am screwing up whatever i have started.. i want to do wel in the office because im interested with what im doin.this is the job i have always wanted-a job that will enable me to understand engineering and construction. I dont want to screw things up and now im struggling to get back on track.. im tryin my best to slowly get back to my old routine and i hope its not too late to get back lest my boss may think he made a bad choice removing my probationary status to early..

the jobless idealist--

its been a while since i last posted an entry here.. ive bin busy with work..but now, after 7 months since i entered that company.. i resigned and am currently preparing myself for a better jumpstart for my future. id like to be more ready..in terms of software-literacy, construction know-hows, and yes even in conversation.. id like to be better and i cant train myself if i dont pause and get sum rest from my almost-everyday-overtym-and-every-week-overnight-at-work.. i have to start a routine .. and then thats the time i could work again.. and if i pass the scholarship test. damn it im goin abroad and start a better and more purposeful life.

this is what i like. i really love to study engineering so that i would understand whether or not the structure i would design is feasible or may i say....possible. ive always believed that to be a great designer, you shout be a builder. a designer is not a builder unless he/she understands what he/she is bulding. and i mean understanding every part of it. maybe i dont trust engineers enough to calculate my design and make changes on it after they tell me that my design is too weak or too impossible. id like to understand it myself before i let them change my design. im not selfish i just would like to really know it myself. id like to be my own engineer. i say it this way because im firstly an architect.. only secondly an engineer.

i never dreamt to be an engineer.. i love to be an architect. i love being a writer next, actually.(hope youre not gettin lost yet with wat im tryin to explain..) but if i really long to be a good architect, i must know engineering.and thats what i am aiming to accomplish

some people may never understand why i quit my job without knowing where to go next, as i have no pending job to jump to. they are wrong.. i know where im headed. im more of thinking about my future. i dont want to go with the flow, i dont want to just enter any archi firm that would welcome me as an apprentice. id like to be knowledgeable. id like to be smarter. id like to be ready before i start workin again coz i want to be more serious. i want to work without noticing the time, without waiting for break time every time i try to sit on my station to finish sum sheet..

id like to know my purpose in life. id like to work everyday knowing that every step i make will lead me into building that great architectural masterpiece sumday. it may be far. i may be 'bein too idealistic". no. i am just having a goal. i am a designer and sumday i will build that building that will be a bastion of sumthing of a higher kind.. i dont exactly understand what id like it to be. i just know that id be building a great building someday. i was born for that. they can kill me after i have built it. that is my purpose anyway.. to give birth to something- a great building, that is.maybe a university..coz i always wanted to be a part of building our nation.

call me a goody-goody or watever names you want. listen to me first, though. when we die all that's left is that very thing we sacrified so much for that we actually lived with almost nothing but that purpose in mind. we will be forgotten. how good we are in bed, how much a kisser we are, how pretty we were during our youthful days, how we dressed, how rich we were, how many cars we had.. it will all be forgotten when we die. so id like to travel the road that is less trodden.

dont get it wrong. im not against love affairs. i myself is dying to meet guys that i would really be attracted with. i just dont want it to be my goal. let it come if it will. im too excited and i am getting impatient at times... but i got sum more important things to think of.. so let it come to me at the right time. im tired of looking for it.

thats why im really workin hard on training myself to think of my greater purpose in life.. thats why i stopped. thats why im getting sum scholarships. let love chase me. let it find me at the right time. and let me do better in life as it find its way to me... i would like to be the best i can be as i postpone lookin for sum love affairs that may just hurt me and waste the time i could have used to perform my purpose on earth. i am not living for myself. i sumhow believe i got a greater responsibility. i want to be used by God, the One who made me and gave me all these talents i can never boast of.i want to be worthy of that man he wants for me. id like to be worthy of his plans for me.. and im getting it.

october 29, 2006 9:00pm--

it would have been a dull day.. if not for the good sermon at church today. the rest of the happenings this day is not worth writing about. . . sigh.. i used to write on my journal every night. but now i have misplaced my latest journal and im always tired at the end of the day to spare sum time to reflect on things.. writing my reflections is different from simply thinking about stuff before i hit the sack. if i dont write things that run in my head, the tendency is that they would get all tangled up and i wont be able to make a good conclusion.. im more organized when i put things down into writing.

there has not been a funny event that has happened to me lately..wait..save for the gay who was trying to remove my scalp while drying my hair a while ago using a hairblower and a paddlebrush..:) he seemed to be mad abt sumthin and my hair suffered for it..im not trying to transfer it to this keyboard that im pounding, dont worry. . . i just smiled my way out of that situation. he looked really funny to me anyway..hehe. besides that, everything else seemed serious..well not really serious,, just a bit..hehe. sana man lang may mapagtawanan ako..wala lang ang sarap kase tumawa eh.

wat else cud i say to make this entry not so boooring.. hmmm.. i got sum nice texts from my crush this day and last nyt.un lang..not in the mood of expounding on that naman ....

tomorrow will be a different day for me. i got a new team..well yah same team name but no more "same ol' team members" that i love hangin out with.. :( hayyy... im so excited for december. thats when id be able to quit my work and try sumthin new. eh gsto ko talga mag deejay for a short span of time and "barista" while bein freelance designer.. khit for 3 months or two then after that id transfer to an architectural firm na to settle on my career..i miss rendering stuff and going to the ust library.

anyway im happy now coz..uhm no particular reason at all. i just know that i have everything to be thankful about-friends, zero enemies, funnybones (a good sense of humor has always been my anino..never left me even in toughest situations), loving family, and an "unempty wallet".hehe di pa naman ako poor khit mejo magastos ako.. i just want to thank God for a better me kse masaya ko lately..

anyway i gotta stop here muna coz i still havent eaten dinner and im already sleepy..ill just update this blog again tomahrow and i hope id be able to put sumthin funny here..

the fun side of being a yaya

well im here ryt now at an internet cafe...with four kiddos..yeap my niece and nephews. they squabble over playstation and pc every waking day so i brought them here so they won't fight no more. whew. im their yaya for now while im looking for a job.. they say they hate manang- their real yaya- coz she always gets irritated with them. eh ang kukulit naman talaga eh. :) now that im back at our house after a year away (for my thesis) i think it's time for some bonding with these kids. they said they missed me that's why we got lots of activities in line including swimming lessons, ice skating, prayer and bible reading everyday, and web surfing lessons..man its hard bein a yaya but it's fun! at least they are being productive while their sweet tita is here with them. :)

vagabond--that's me

i am currently at an internet cafe a few blocks away from our apartment. i was soaking my dirty clothes in a basin filled with "water-plus-ariel soap solution" when suddenly an idea popped in my head... cnu kaya ang onlyn ngayon. wala kameng internet sa apartment so lumabas ako at iniwan ko yung clothes ko dun.sabi nga sa commercial..masipag ang ariel.hayun binabad ko muna yung clothes ko. now that im here at the cafe..walang online. magisa parin ako. wala yung tatlo kong rummates natulog ako sa apartment magisa kagabi. the other night naman sa bhay ng brother ko ako natulog.that house was our old house..ako, si kuya bobby at si ate tess..at si tmac, ung rottweiler namin ni kuya bob...kami lang apat sa haus na yun. nung nag fifth year ako nag apartment ako malapit sa school and ung sister ko who is supporting me financially also moved out to find her own place. ngaun everytime i come home naiinis ako.bakit? coz wala na kong sariling rum, bahay na yun ng isa kong sister, nung isa pang kuya ko (kuya jun)and his family. wala na yung studio ko...rum na yun ngayon ng mga pamangkin ko. wala na din ung haven ko..yung sala na walang laman kundi couch, tv at componet, drafting table na hindi ko inaalis sa harap ng couch, at mga favorite books ko. iba na yung couch, may carpet na din.. ayaw ko ng carpet naiinis ako kase nagtatago ung mga dust dun, nagkukunwarian lang na malinis. buti pa nun..

wala na rin yung queen size bed ko.. bed na ni ate lorie yon. yung study table ko, yung book shelf ko, yung books ko, yung pictures ko, yung sketchpads ko, yung drawings ko...yun lang dati laman ng rum namin ni kuya bob..where have they all gone? andun na sumwhere na hindi mo basta basta maaaccess.kasi shempre hindi na ko nakatira don.kaya lahat ng gamit ko KALAT na ang tawag.so they put them all sa cabinet or sa labas.kala nila lumang gamit ko yon..treasures ko yung mga yun eh.

ang hindi nalang nag iba sa bahay eh yung piano... tanggal na nga lang yung isang key ngayon dahil mashadong magaling yung pamangkin ko.magaling nga magpiano ang eight year old na yun..di naman marunong magalaga ng gamit.

isang rum lang ang nagagamit dati sa house na yon..yung isa, is room namin ni kuya.the other room was my semi-studio kapag ayaw ko magdraft sa harap ng tv. ung isang room naman is walk-in closet namin ni kuya. ngayon jam packed na sa bahay eh.lahat ng room may nagoccupy na except ung semi-studio ko non na cabinet and bookshelf nalang ang laman ngayon.

dati nung dun pa ko nakatira, everytime i come home, manunuod lang ako ng discovery channel or samurai x or lifestyle channel.at magbabasa ng novel or architecture book pag commercial.ngayon di na nawalan ng tao sa sala... si manang parati pang nilalagay sa love radio ung station ng radio.i get irritated by that station.at di na rin halos matanggal sa dos at sa hbo ang tv. sa rum naman nila ate, exclusive for play station ang tv.

dati tahimik sa bahay...sa maliit na rum na dating maid's rum lang nagkukulong yung eldest sister ko who is a freelance writer, doing all her work there. computer at mga libro ang mga kaibigan nya sa "computer rum" na yon kaya tahimik sa bahay habang nagbabasa ako sa sala. si kuya "bro bob" naman nasa trabaho lang parati before..at pag umuwi yon, masaya na ko kase may kasabay ako kumain at may kaasaran nako. ngayon impossible na because asan na ba sya..andun na sa heaven.that was two years ago. everything is so different now. sigh.

wala na ang favorite pesto ko na gawa ni ate sa ref, wala na ding fresh mango/carrot/apple/bannana shake everyday. wala na din ako makausap tungkol sa politics and scholarship opportunities abroad once in a while..big brother pa kamo,baka yun hindi ako tigilan ni manang kakwento nun at ng gulong ng palad issues.

ah yung draperies pa..iba na rin. hindi na yung kinabubwisitan kong ikabit pag pinapalitan dati.

everytime umuuwi ako don ngayon, sa couch lang ako natutulog with a small hellokitty radio sa tabi ko. before kse, si rico robles nagpapatulog saken at si chico and del naman ang nanggigising saken f ever natulog ako.madalas kase puyatan talaga for my plate.rx or magic or jam ang stations who keeps me company every night.dapat sa rum sa taas daw ako matulog sabi ni sis, may bed naman daw para saken dun. ewan ko ba hinahanap ko kase yung queen size bed namin ni kuya bob eh. pag naglagay kase ko ng buk sa bed bago matulog, dahil single bed yun, hala its dismantled na pag gising ko kase nahigaan ko na.samantalang before kahit ilagay ko yung plate na dnrawing ko dun sa dulo ng bed, di ko manlang nasipa. kaya dun nalang sa couch para kunwari nasa taas lang yung bed at yung treasures ko.

dahil nga iba na yung house, madalas ayaw kong umuwi.. sa coffee shop ako nagoovernyt..yep coz thats the only place which remained the same. dun pwede ako magbasa and gumawa ng article while not being aware na iba na tlaga ang lahat. ayaw ko din sa apartment minsan kase parang parating thesis mode.madalas pa makalat.plus i really want to be alone sometimes.

tapos na ang thesis gagraduate na ko a few days from now.. so where do i go after that? hindi na pwede sa apartment coz napilitan lang naman ako tumira sa manila para malapit sa school while doing my thesis. parang ang dumi dumi at ang traffic kase sa manila eh.sa mandaluyong naman, sa bahay... naexplain ko namang maigi kung bakit ayaw ko dun. di rin naman pwede ako sumama sa eldest sister ko kase mas maganda relationship namen pag di kame oras oras nagkikita eh. namimiss kasi nya ko. :)

i think i should have my own place. gusto kong mag rent ng sariling place while working. sabi nila para daw akong taga states..independent kuno. orphan kamo. walang bahay na mpuntahan. sabi nila parang ang liberated naman kase magisa lang ako. trying to survive kamo with all the changes that took place. kaw ba naman walang kasamang daddy since three years old at mawalan ng mommy at sixteen at ngaun wala na ding bahay. sad ba? di naman.i have so much to be thankful for naman eh. may nagsusupport sken khit papano and may gifts din naman ako na pwede kong gamitin to survive. ngaun magiging architect na ko.dream come true.

i am planning to rent my own place while working.reason ko? kase may pagka artist ako..writer at artist in one.kaya parang maganda kung wala akong kasama sa house para i can bring out the best in me sa pag ddrawing at pag susulat ko. kase may kasama ko mga kapatid ko, at nkikita kong nagaaway sila madalas, nadedepress ako. mabuti pang magconcentrate sa sarili kong visions diba..para rin naman sa family ko mga pangarap ko eh. maganda kung nakafocus ako dun at hndi naaapektuhan ng family problems.

pero katulad ngayon, wla kong kausap.pinipuno ko lang tong blog ko..edi that means i must have an internet connection sa bhay ko. nauubos allowance ko ngayon sa kakainternet 4-5hours a day eh.saka panu pag gusto kong mangasar.. sinu aasarin ko? sarili ko? ehdi naasar ako. malakas daw ako mangasar.di ko alam kase di ko pa nasubukang asarin sarili ko eh. panu kapag may ipis na lumilipad? sinu papatay habang nakatalukbong ako ng kumot? panu ko malalaman pag wala nang ipis?

panu kapag gusto ko ng kausap..ehdi magpapakabit din ako ng landline? hala..kaya ko bang bayaran lahat yun? kung magrerent ako ng sariling place... nakakaasar naman. panu naman ako magsasave para sa isang simpleng car kung ang daming gastos? ganu kaya kalaki ng sweldo ko as a soon-to-be-disk-jockey at apprentice architect?

am i really thinking like how a westerner think? parang typical bachelor...? masama bang mag plan to live away from my family at my age?

siguro para may patunguhan ako mag apply ako ng scholarship abroad. so that i can have my own place while studying. panu kung dorm lang ang iaward saken? ehdi walang sariling rum. san ako magaaral? sa coffee shop nanaman?

kelan kaya ako mag work.san kaya ako lilipat sa april 1 after ng graduation day. birthday ni kuya bob yun ah. san ako ng araw na yan? sa bahay sa mandaluyong? yoko nga. pag dun i chechek nanaman ang whereabouts ko eh.at least pag sa iba ako lyk dito sa apartment ang alam nila nasa apartment lang ako.pag sa mandaluyong ako nkatira at wala ako sa bahay.. ehdi iaasume nila gumagala ako.

coffee shop nalang nila ko hanapin or internet cafe..dun.. dun ang refuge ng vagabond na katulad ko.

dinner tym na muna ko sa mcdo ..baka magoverload ang pc sa dami ng sinusulat ko.

the very first entry

wow i have a blog.this means there will be less mcDonalds tissue papers with all sorts of writings inside my bag.this means i will be carrying less journals.i currently have three diaries at the moment. i bring a couple of them everytime i feel like sumthin worth writing about myt just pop in my head while im away from home. now all i have to do is enter an internet cafe (which are now proliferating like mushrooms) everytime i feel like pouring out my mind. my brain is like a sponge..maybe it would be too conceited of me to say that i'm really a thinker..so i just compare myself to a sponge in lieu of that claim.this blog is a squeezer.thank goodness.

i admit that there are so many questions that need not be answered.further pondering sometimes leads to depression. believe me, i know. but still it's not bad to put all your questions in life into writing. sometimes it lightens the load im carrying. that is why i choose to jot down anything that makes my brain too crowded. that way when it becomes a little spacious inside my skull, i can reread it--be reminded of things and ponder about it.

i entitled this blog OEUVRE because i know that this would be a compilation of a lot of things that would speak so much of my character, my whole being.im too young to have a oeuvre, (i just turned 21)but who knows, maybe i won't live long and this title would be so appropriate.


in case someone accidentally enters this blog: reading some of my reflections here will not harm you.i wish to inspire people..yes people like you.but more than that, i'd like to use this to somehow improve myself. i have this age-old personal belief that if you would like to live in a better world, then make yourself a better person.

your comments are much more than welcome.03.16.06